An Unbelieving Believer . . .

How can I believe but be unbelieving? My eyes have seen, my ears have heard, my mind knows . . . but my heart isn't convinced. This occurred to me when I thought about the question my pastor has commissioned us to ask others: If you died today, do you know where your soul will spend eternity? This is supposed to make unbelievers really consider the risk of not having a relationship with Christ. Fortunately, it made me (a believer) consider the same. A couple of years ago, I avoided this line of thinking with the elusiveness prey gives the predator. I was at the point then that I just didn't believe in myself and didn't understand the power of God. I knew I wasn't going to heaven but yet continued in sin. Even at my darkest hours, I knew God was chasing me and I refused to entertain His invite. I begged Him off, literally screaming "Please just leave me alone!" Looking back, and considering my present, the fact that He never relented makes me shout! Yet, that question Pastor wants us to ask others to consider frightens me. I am ashamed to admit it, but I don't completely believe Heaven is where I'll spend eternity. I would like to think that I'll go to Heaven, but in my heart I simply don't believe. So, the Spirit has placed this in my heart, not to trip me up, not to make me doubt God, but to help me learn how to believe. In Mark 9.14 - 27, a man brings his son to Jesus asking for the demons that live in the boy to be removed. The man asked for Jesus' help, but showed his doubt when he said, " . . . if you can . . ." Jesus looked at the man, considering his audacious question, and replied, "What do you mean 'If you can?'" Jesus questioned the father to illuminate the fact that he came to Him for help, but with a doubting spirit. How many times is this happenining between Jesus and me? I seek Him daily, follow the indwelling Spirit, but still wonder where my soul will spend eternity? I go on and on about God and how he has changed me but I still can't believe that I will spend my eternal life with Him. How dangerous it is for me to continue in pseudo-belief! James 1.6-8 says I must believe and not doubt, because doubting makes me double-minded and unstable and unable to receive anything from the Lord. So, I welcome this new chaos that has errupted in my soul so that I can study God's Word for help to remove my lingering foot from Egypt and fully - finally - take my entire self into the Promised Land.