I just wanna be loved by You . . .

“To abide in Jesus is never to quit Him for another love, or another object, but remain in living, loving, conscious, willing union with Him. The heart must remain in love, the mind must be rooted in faith, the hope must be cemented to the Word, the whole man must be joined unto the Lord. The carte blanche can be given to one whose very life is, “Not I, but Christ liveth in me.” - Charles Spurgeon

I spent most of my life looking for love. I looked high and I looked low. I looked when I was high, usually under the influence of a mind-altering drug such as alcohol and I looked when I was low, usually on the heels of a sudden heartbreak or disappointment. The search stunted my growth and caused even more heartache. I would go out of my way to be wanted, forgetting my future and sacrificing what was best for me. As I look back now, all of the seconds, minutes, hours and days I devoted to the ever-elusive L-O-V-E were wasted time I gave to someone else - something else - that was never meant to be mine. I did as a lot of us do, grabbed a self-help book, went to empowerment conferences, thumped my chest and declared to anyone within earshot that I was changed. I filled the aching silence with homemade CDs singing me into becoming "Stronger" and being a "Survivor", promising myself that I would never again be a "Fool For Love". Meanwhile, I continued to fall into the same hole, stumbling backward two steps, after having just gone forward one. Oh, but God. He gave me wisdom that has changed my life forever, the knowlegde of a personal relationship with Him. Now, I never say never. Yes, I would like to think I won't let it happen again, that I am waiting on my "King" that God has for me. But I know that I am still vulnerable. The first place I'd look when I saw a man was his left ring finger. I'd see every single, decent-looking guy as a potential mate and try to figure out how I can deal with his obvious flaws. So, now, instead of self-help books and listening to pop stars belting out how they love being single, I pick up my Bible and read about an unconditional love that renews each day. A love that meets me where I am and doesn't ask me to compromise. Now, day-by-day, little-by-little, I have grown. Because I give my mind to God, He gives His mind to me. Because I give my heart to Him, He gives His heart to me. And, now my focus is different; what's important has changed. Yes, change is a process and I still check guys out, looking for potential, but I'm not looking for the same things. I'm seeing a man's spirit, his heart - whether he seeks God or self. Has he embraced salvation? Does God want me to minister to him? See, my daily goals are different, I don't just live to survive another day. Rather, I live to be a day closer to God. I have been set free from the bondage of needing a mate and can now focus more on what God has for me to do. In my singleness, God needs me to be working for I am freer to do more for Him without the distractions of dating or the responsibility of a husband. And during the lonely times, the rainy Friday nights or the cold Christmas Eves, God is there to comfort me and remind me of my NOW purpose. I do hope that God will grant me the desire of my heart to marry again but I won't force the issue or manipulate my situation to make it happen on my timetable. I will revel in this season of singleness and honor God with my body in obedience to His word. And even if I never know a man again, it's okay, because at the moment I rise and meet my Savior, that will be the last thing on my mind!

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." - Romans 8.28 (NAS)