Lord, Help My Unbelief . . .

In my last blog, I introduced my new struggle: unbelief. The most important thing that God has taught me is that I can not change myself nor will the change occur immediately. I never understood this ideal before and so, in the past when I would stumble and fall, I never even bothered getting up. Now, I am redeemed and have a good understanding of how the Christian walk will go. When I pray for God to search me and remove what hinders my walk with Him (Psalm 139:23-34), He shows me a fault and guides me on how to correct it. Each new "search and rescue mission" is ordered to prune the most pressing issue that separates me from Him. Once that dead limb is gone, I am one step closer and the way is a little clearer. His devine design for shaping me is ordered in a way that ensures growth and prepares me for the next phase of my Christian life. So, now it's time for me to deal with true belief. Even though believing is the first step of salvation (Acts 16: 30 - 31), continued belief and a deep understanding of belief is needed to make it to the finish. Merriam-Webster defines belief as a state or habit of the mind. This definition makes it plain: state and habit both denote that belief is constant and continued. Belief and its synonym faith both imply an assent, or a moving toward something usually after careful thought and consideration. In essence, belief is the eventual forming of a habit of having confidence in someone or something. So, belief in God is the eventual forming of a habit of having confidence in Him after careful thought and consideration. This can only occur with meditation on His Word (careful thought) and acts of obedience to God in return for His acts of kindness toward me (the definition of consideration). In summation, belief is a spiritual muscle that must be exercised in order to be strengthened. Without a strong belief a Christian is doomed to fall. With this, it's no surprise to me that my belief is weak and I now know that this is how God wants it to be so that I will continue to meditate on His word and pray. So, being an unbelieving believer is not an oxymoron. Rather, it's a state I need to be in order to reach my devinely purposed place in His Kingdom. God has plans for me and until I am in place, He can't move. Therefore, I revel in my unbelief so that God can grow me out of it and closer to Him.

An Unbelieving Believer . . .

How can I believe but be unbelieving? My eyes have seen, my ears have heard, my mind knows . . . but my heart isn't convinced. This occurred to me when I thought about the question my pastor has commissioned us to ask others: If you died today, do you know where your soul will spend eternity? This is supposed to make unbelievers really consider the risk of not having a relationship with Christ. Fortunately, it made me (a believer) consider the same. A couple of years ago, I avoided this line of thinking with the elusiveness prey gives the predator. I was at the point then that I just didn't believe in myself and didn't understand the power of God. I knew I wasn't going to heaven but yet continued in sin. Even at my darkest hours, I knew God was chasing me and I refused to entertain His invite. I begged Him off, literally screaming "Please just leave me alone!" Looking back, and considering my present, the fact that He never relented makes me shout! Yet, that question Pastor wants us to ask others to consider frightens me. I am ashamed to admit it, but I don't completely believe Heaven is where I'll spend eternity. I would like to think that I'll go to Heaven, but in my heart I simply don't believe. So, the Spirit has placed this in my heart, not to trip me up, not to make me doubt God, but to help me learn how to believe. In Mark 9.14 - 27, a man brings his son to Jesus asking for the demons that live in the boy to be removed. The man asked for Jesus' help, but showed his doubt when he said, " . . . if you can . . ." Jesus looked at the man, considering his audacious question, and replied, "What do you mean 'If you can?'" Jesus questioned the father to illuminate the fact that he came to Him for help, but with a doubting spirit. How many times is this happenining between Jesus and me? I seek Him daily, follow the indwelling Spirit, but still wonder where my soul will spend eternity? I go on and on about God and how he has changed me but I still can't believe that I will spend my eternal life with Him. How dangerous it is for me to continue in pseudo-belief! James 1.6-8 says I must believe and not doubt, because doubting makes me double-minded and unstable and unable to receive anything from the Lord. So, I welcome this new chaos that has errupted in my soul so that I can study God's Word for help to remove my lingering foot from Egypt and fully - finally - take my entire self into the Promised Land.