You're up to something bigger than me . . .

My pastor asked us to make a list of things that we do, say, think, etc. that hinder our relationship with God. We are to take these things to Him, surrendering them to God and giving Him complete control over them. It was easy for me to create the list. I am just amazed at how hard it is to surrender them. I have been wrestling with God about the things I want to stop doing and things I want to start doing. Now, many people would say that I need to get some willpower. I don't think that's it at all. What I need is to break my will's power. Doing something over and over that I know I shouldn't is me choosing over and over again to do it - my will's power to make me do it. So, willpower isn't what I need; power over my will is. Paul tells us in Romans 7 that it is our sinful nature that causes us to sin, i.e. our will. We were born into sin, are slaves to sin and this sin yet lives in us. 20. But if I am doing what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it. 25. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin (NLT). Sounds rather bleak and hopeless. At first thought, this is a no-win situation. 23. But there is [sin's] law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me (NLT). God knew sin's power over us and decided the only way for us to conquer it was through our Saviour. And this is the reason Christ died for us. 7. ...for we died with Christ, and we are no longer captive to [sin's] power. Now we can really serve God ... by the Spirit (NLT). If Christ hadn't died, He couldn't have sent His Spirit, The Comforter, to dwell within us. And without the Spirit, I can not break sin's alluring hold on me. So, once I have identified my hindrances, I must immediately surrender them to God. How? By continually asking God for help in "dying daily" to my sinful nature. By consistently seeking the Spirit and inviting Him to dwell in me. By patiently enduring the chaos created by sin's struggle for control over me, understanding that the chaos I feel is meant to strengthen and prepare me for what God has next. And by continuing to wrestle with God until He blesses me.
Whatever you're doing inside of me
it feels like chaos, but I believe
You're up to someting bigger than me,
larger than life - something Heavenly!
-Sanctus Real

Haunted By My Past . . .

I've been wrestling with my past. Crying out to God, "How long will I have to suffer for what I have been forgiven for?" I prayed on this, and God gave me a name: Paul. Paul dealt with past sin, yet he was arguably the most prolific preacher ever. As I delved into his past I realized, who am I to complain? Before Paul was a preacher he was Saul - a murderer, a blasphemer, the chief of sinners, who lived without a conscience. After God lifted him up, he sacrificed and suffered until the end. He left his home, lost his friends, his country and the life that he had planned. What have I lost? He suffered greatly through beatings, stoning, and through perils at sea, in the wilderness and coming up against people who purely hated him for what he had done in persecuting Christians before his conversion. He was a crippled little man whose appearance was less than desireable and he suffered all of his life with a "thorn" in his flesh that God refused to remove. How can my sacrifices and sufferings compare? Then I think of Jesus. He made the ultimate sacrifice! How can I kvetch and moan about the little things I go through, the troubles in my life that I caused, when Jesus suffered and sacrificed for me, and was totally blameless. God has put me where he needs me. He removed my past from his thoughts and is building the woman he needs me to be. Each and every sacrifice, suffering and past mistake is being used by God to further HIS purpose for my life. A purpose that is not aimed at making my life richer or easier or grander, but a purpose that is aimed at making the Kingdom better. Because the ultimate goal is not to have a great life on earth, but to have a holy eternal life with God! Thank you, God, for correcting me. As I celebrate the rising of my Redeemer, help me to be thankful for what he did for me. And if I suffer for what I did in the past, let me count it all as joy. For the day is coming when I shall suffer no more! Bless the Lamb of God!!!

Create in me a clean heart . . .

and keep me from repeating the same mistakes. For many of us, its hard to change. There are things we know we need to do differently, or stop doing completely. I have struggled with habits that I know need breaking. I've wondered why I can't let go of something that I want no part of anymore. Why is an overwhelming desire to stop not enough? I discovered that even though my mind says stop, it's what's in my heart that keeps it going. Realizing that the desire comes from the heart not the mind is what will make the difference. Mark 7:20 - 22 tells us that from the heart comes evil. Pharoah's heart became hard and it was his downfall. The Bible also talks about praying in your heart, knowing in your heart, having a wise and discerning heart and even turning your heart. In essence, all things start with the heart. Asking for wisdom will not propel us to a higher plane. We must start with our heart. Ask God, as did David, to create in us a clean heart (Psalm 51:10). Ask God to search our hearts (Psalm 139:23) to reveal what is there that hinders our walk with Him. Only then can wisdom truly be obtained because just knowing better isn't wisdom; wisdom is the application of God-given knowlege, and before we can apply God's Word to our lives we must first place His Word in our hearts. Surrender your heart as Jesus surrendered His life. Repent and turn away, pray and let God do it (1 Thessalonians 5: 22-24)

I just wanna be loved by You . . .

“To abide in Jesus is never to quit Him for another love, or another object, but remain in living, loving, conscious, willing union with Him. The heart must remain in love, the mind must be rooted in faith, the hope must be cemented to the Word, the whole man must be joined unto the Lord. The carte blanche can be given to one whose very life is, “Not I, but Christ liveth in me.” - Charles Spurgeon

I spent most of my life looking for love. I looked high and I looked low. I looked when I was high, usually under the influence of a mind-altering drug such as alcohol and I looked when I was low, usually on the heels of a sudden heartbreak or disappointment. The search stunted my growth and caused even more heartache. I would go out of my way to be wanted, forgetting my future and sacrificing what was best for me. As I look back now, all of the seconds, minutes, hours and days I devoted to the ever-elusive L-O-V-E were wasted time I gave to someone else - something else - that was never meant to be mine. I did as a lot of us do, grabbed a self-help book, went to empowerment conferences, thumped my chest and declared to anyone within earshot that I was changed. I filled the aching silence with homemade CDs singing me into becoming "Stronger" and being a "Survivor", promising myself that I would never again be a "Fool For Love". Meanwhile, I continued to fall into the same hole, stumbling backward two steps, after having just gone forward one. Oh, but God. He gave me wisdom that has changed my life forever, the knowlegde of a personal relationship with Him. Now, I never say never. Yes, I would like to think I won't let it happen again, that I am waiting on my "King" that God has for me. But I know that I am still vulnerable. The first place I'd look when I saw a man was his left ring finger. I'd see every single, decent-looking guy as a potential mate and try to figure out how I can deal with his obvious flaws. So, now, instead of self-help books and listening to pop stars belting out how they love being single, I pick up my Bible and read about an unconditional love that renews each day. A love that meets me where I am and doesn't ask me to compromise. Now, day-by-day, little-by-little, I have grown. Because I give my mind to God, He gives His mind to me. Because I give my heart to Him, He gives His heart to me. And, now my focus is different; what's important has changed. Yes, change is a process and I still check guys out, looking for potential, but I'm not looking for the same things. I'm seeing a man's spirit, his heart - whether he seeks God or self. Has he embraced salvation? Does God want me to minister to him? See, my daily goals are different, I don't just live to survive another day. Rather, I live to be a day closer to God. I have been set free from the bondage of needing a mate and can now focus more on what God has for me to do. In my singleness, God needs me to be working for I am freer to do more for Him without the distractions of dating or the responsibility of a husband. And during the lonely times, the rainy Friday nights or the cold Christmas Eves, God is there to comfort me and remind me of my NOW purpose. I do hope that God will grant me the desire of my heart to marry again but I won't force the issue or manipulate my situation to make it happen on my timetable. I will revel in this season of singleness and honor God with my body in obedience to His word. And even if I never know a man again, it's okay, because at the moment I rise and meet my Savior, that will be the last thing on my mind!

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." - Romans 8.28 (NAS)