I get so weak . . .

For me, it wasn't hard to begin a life of sexual abstinence. I wasn't in a relationship or involved with anyone and God had already begun dealing with me to get me back on track. I like to believe that He said to Himself, "sex is the FIRST thing that's got to go in order for this girl to gain focus." God knew my struggles and in the midst of tearing me down helped me out by taking away my sexual urges completely during that time. See, He understood that when I was crying out for reconciliation with Him, I needed to be relieved of some struggles until I was strong enough to handle them.

Growing up in church, I was baptized as a child and reared on Scriptural teachings. As I grew older, I did what most of us did: I strayed, then returned when I was in my twenties with marraige and children on my mind. I submerged myself in church (yes, church not God) and was soon tripped up when someone stepped on my achilles heel: men and sex. [And I must clarify: the real weakness was the desire for a man in my life. The sex came as a means to this end - but this is the topic for another blog (coming soon)].

So I strayed. After the first few times of giving in to transgression, the guilt was a distant memory and I waded on out into the deep end of it. Then before I knew it, I was knocked down on my back and begging for God's unchanging hand. So He accepted me back into the fold and I dove back into doing church (yes, again, church not God) just to have my old friend show up and step on my heel once more.

But this time, I decided that I would no longer play with God. I'd keep trying to change and working overtime to be the person He wants me to be with no results. I was wasting His time. I began to think that maybe there are just some of us who can't be saved. Some of us that aren't going to make it to eternal life status. But it seemed as if God kept bothering me. Putting stuff on my mind, guilt eating away at me. And the more I felt guilty, the further I extended myself into sin, especially my favorite sin: sex.

I decided to "use what I got to get what I want," that I "don't need no man" and began treating men like conquests just to get the next fix and cover up the real desire burning inside of me. My life played out like a Trina rap lyric.

But God . . .

The Father has a plan for me. He wants my love and he has work for me to do. Now, He could get anyone to do His bidding, but He picked out something just for me, if I am willing. So, He sent someone to my house who spoke some things into my spirit that literally saved my life. And when I prayed through tears that I didn't want to go back to that old life like I've done many times before, He gave me access to books that explained why I kept falling and what I needed to do differently. He showed me that I can't change my heart, only He can. He showed me that I can't change overnight, rather, salvation is a process filled with trials and error. He helped me see that all I have to do is commit to Him, each day when I rise and each night before I go to sleep and He will do the changing for me. After all, if I could change myself why would I need Him?

The desire for sex returned shortly after I got myself on track but it doesn't make me feel discouraged. Because I indulged in fornication, I kept myself from having the one He prepared for me. So, now I must wait for Him to prepare us to meet again and if I'm ready this time, it will happen. During the waiting period, I suffer from the residue of sins past but God doesn't leave me hanging. He uses my weakness to make me stronger. I now surrender, daily, all of my shortcomings, struggles and strifes to my Elder Brother who promised to bear my cross as His own. Yes, I have encountered some opportunities that left me weak, but because I stay "prayed up" I am able to fight off failure until the weak moment passes.

I've said all of this to say, sexual abstinence may be the hardest struggle that Christian singles face. It has been drilled in us for years that it's okay, by our friends, our family and even our churches. But, God forbade it and He never set the law aside. So we must now stand firm on His Word, with His power, and be who He made us to be: "not conformed to this world, but transformed" (Rom 12.2)